I’m a simple man. I weigh rewards above morality in my side quests, and I love a good pixelated goth GF as much as the next gamer. In fact, I would say the only thing more important than scoring the best loot possible is doing whatever it takes to secure a shot with the resident emo thirst traps of Baldur’s Gate 3. I understand the tenets of the game. I understand that there are things that must always be done—opportunities that must be taken—and yet…
Forgive me, my fellow Baldurians, for I have sinned. You may be thinking this confession has to do with Minthara. She is the quintessential evil goth GF, after all, but no—when push came to shove, I had no problem slaughtering the innocent men, women, and children of Druid’s Grove to make Minthara happy. This transgression came later on in the game, and it came with no reward—no necessity to justify my actions. How have I sinned, exactly? Simply put, I’ve gone soft. I’ve broken the cardinal rule that all opportunities for scandal must be capitalized on in Baldur’s Gate 3. I’ve had my heart and desire for chaos melted by the hottest thing this side of Avernus—Karlach.
A woman you can look up to
Let me set the stage for you. I’m on my second playthrough, the one where I failed Minthara by neglecting to murder dozens of refugees. This time around, I’m running a Sorcerer. That’s relevant because running a Sorcerer really just means trying not to die while your girlboss of choice (Lae’zel or Karlach, not Shadowheart) handles everything. As will always be the case, my girlboss of choice is Karlach. I knew that from the moment I first cast Enlarge on her during the Grymforge Guardian fight. Who needs a “secret weapon” when you have a 30 foot tall Karlach? Hell, who needs anything when you have a 30 foot tall Karlach?
Anyway, I’m in Act Three now, and Karlach hasn’t left my mind or my party once. I’ve just reached a certain brothel outside of the city of Baldur’s Gate, but not before stirring up a phenomenal deal of trouble while “helping” track down a killer beforehand. I step into the brothel for…intel gathering…and strike up a conversation with its owner, Mamzell. She’s a nice enough lady, but I’m only half listening until she mentions a missing persons’ case that I have inadvertently already solved when I was stirring up that trouble I mentioned before. I explain as much to Mamzell, and she offers me a reward. Yes, it’s the kind of reward you expect might be offered in a brothel.
Twins. Two of the most beautiful, sultriest, gothest twins you’ve ever seen in your life. A Drow brother and sister, wearing about six square inches of clothing between them and wanting nothing more than to do whatever I ask of them. Does that mean a three way? A solo romp with either or? A group adventure? I don’t know exactly, all I know is that it’s every gamers dream come true, and it’s fallen right into my lap.
“Use your imagination,” one of the twins says to me after I ask what she was getting at after pointing out that my partner and I are both present. Then, it hits me. My partner. As I mentioned, in this playthrough (and in life), I’ve fallen head over heels for the giant flaming cinnamon roll from hell named Karlach. In this playthrough (sadly not in life), I’m keeping warm at night by sharing a tent with that flaming cinnamon roll. What would she think of all of this?
A lesson in romance
I’ve got a couple of years experience in the dating field, and while it wasn’t easy, I was able to learn a thing or two about being a good partner (get ready to take notes). If a pair of sexy goth twins ask if you and your other half are game for an orgy, it’s better to ask for your partner’s opinion before you commit to anything.
So, I do exactly that. And what does Karlach say? She says it’s not really her vibe, but I’m welcome to do whatever I want. Spoken like a true bundle of hellfire and wholesome love. I spend a moment trying not to imagine what Karlach plus two goth GFs (yes, I know one of the twins is a man. He’s still a goth GF—I don’t make the rules) would have looked like together—I know it would just make me sad at this point. I’m about to tell the twins we only need a reservation for three, and then I notice something.
Karlach doesn’t mean it. She’s way too sweet to ever say it out loud, but she would be heartbroken if I take the twins up on the offer. I can see it in her eyes—it’s subtle but as loud as a raging barbarian once you notice it. So what do I do?
Well, first, I Quicksave in case of buyer’s remorse. But THEN, I march right up those tantalizing Drow twins and tell them that I’m not the least bit interested. I’m brave too, so I only cried a little bit while doing it. Now, here is why the horse I’m on after this is so damn high and why I might be objectively a little bit dumb.
I knew that my actions here wouldn’t actually affect my relationship with Karlach. She did give me permission. I also knew that I wouldn’t be rewarded in any way for turning down the offer. This wasn’t some secret test—Karlach isn’t that kind of cinnamon roll. No, all of the cards were on the table, and I still decided to refuse the twins.
The pith of all
Why did I refuse? Well, damn fine writing, I suppose. As much as I jest, I did genuinely find myself empathizing with Karlach and not wanting to contribute to the history of betrayals that the poor woman has suffered. Larian managed to write a character so compelling that I chose fictional, no reward empathy over fictional, no consequence degeneracy—and I truly didn’t know that was possible to do.
I think one of the highest marks of quality in a game is being able to incite a totally willing suspension of disbelief. When the writing and design can cause players to ignore the fact that none of these characters actually have feelings. When the people and stories are so compelling that they feel like friends, enemies, and lovers. I’ve encountered plenty of games with beautifully complex and heart wrenching stories, but I really have not played anything else that does characters quite as well as Baldur’s Gate 3 does.
Now, I did use that Quicksave I mentioned before to see what would happen if I did take the twins up on their offer (for science, of course). Still, I’d like to think that it’s my exceptionally strong character that made me ultimately lock in the choice of loyalty, and not the fact that I found the black screen narration with the twins to be totally underwhelming compared to Karlach’s romance scene, which I can replay at any time using the other Quicksave that I secured back in Act Two (for…science).
